This morning a friend asked me to help with something before I left for work. I immediately tried making an excuse. Then I realized what I was doing. This person was already going out of their way for me. How could I simply blow them off like that? “That’s why I stay away from people,” I thought to myself. Then again, realized what I was doing. “Is this why people stay away from me?” I wondered.
Can they see that within me, my selfishness, my dislike for being burdened
with other people’s problems? Wait- let me correct that, I do like helping people but in my mind everything is small to me when I’m trying to save the world. Unfortunately others don’t always think the same.
I set about attempting to help my friend. Attempting because I can’t say I was of much help by their definition. My presence was possibly more nuisance than pleasant, though I worked hard to not complain about how this was eating away at my quiet morning time and hoped my own annoyance was not portrayed. Our joint effort brought about no change, and I secretly felt like my energy threw things off.
I felt bad but I felt worse thinking about my own loss work time. I recalled recently considering if I may be a workaholic. That’s probably more like an excuse, but it’s true. Work, work- don’t stop,” runs through my mind often.
What I really learned this morning was how I’m not ready for a relationship. I am not ready to give parts of myself that I don’t want to give. I don’t have time to share if it is not schedule into my day. However, I don’t like the thought of being selfish. That’s not attractive to me and yet I realize from this morning’s events, I am. Yet like any learned behavior it can be changed, if I apply myself and practice being more considerate of others needs and wants. We talk about caring for self so much, we ignore others. I’m not saying it will be easy, not at all, but being both a leader and a lover requires being selfless at times. It’s always about you.