Returning home is something I always said I would never do, yet I knew I would do in an extreme situation. I never gave much thought as to what an extreme situation might be. Only once I crossed into Arizona last week and was hit by a wave of intense emotion, did it hit me that that I was in an extreme situation. Later I described that moment as feeling like I had been released, but one is only released after they’ve been held captive whether it be to a person or thing. In my case, it was a person or people.
I had moved from Atlanta to Sacramento in a snap decision based on my love and trust of someone who cared nothing for me. Not even 48 hours within making it there, we were calling quits,only he had asked me to go before him. So there I was across the country, living with his best friend who did not respect women and his “bitch” who I had driven with, whom he (the best friend) cared even less about and was quick to punch in the face at any given moment.
But being me, I made the best I could of the situation and kept the peace as much as I could. That’s not being braggadocios, but honest. I could not be at peace for always worrying one would kill the other as they fought. I struggled but tried to focus on my work and the work I was there to originally do.
Only when living with a narcissistic man like that, one woman is not enough. He’s never satisfied. I found myself going out of my way for a man I had no obligation to which was confusing as hell to me, but when I voiced my opinion or thoughts they often led to more arguments, and more than once that got physical leaving me even more discombobulated.
I founded a platform to empower women but there I was constantly being faced with issues going against my beliefs, what I stood for, and I began to live in fear. I worried daily that I would upset him.
At one point I thought if I could remove her from the situation, he would be okay, but it was not her or me. It was him. When the opportunity presented itself to come home, I almost didn’t take it, because I didn’t want to abandon the lucrative project I was working on. I actually only packed for a return trip, but after an argument, a prayer, and the sight of a butterfly, which I took as confirmation from God, did I throw my other belongings in my bags.
As we dropped him off in Los Angele leaving the stat,e and he and I changed seats, my initial thought was to run over him (the friend). When we crossed into Arizona, at first I was relieved to have one state down, but when I thought of the distance between he and I, tears just began to fall, because that’s when I felt release. On the way, the girl he was seeing shared with me how, when he told my ex about our altercation, my ex, as she quoted, told him he could “finish” me. Being that he was over both 200 lbs and 6 feet, he very well could have, and I do believe he had it in him.
These are the things I reflected on as we traveled East. I was happy to see Louisiana, but secretly thrilled as we crossed into Mississippi. I am not sure I ever felt that before- well maybe that time I drove from Atl to MS without a phone or GPS at night, but anyway….
So I returned home, questioning whether I was defeated or not, but man, the feeling of being home and knowing I was surrounded by people who cared- they might not always show it but they do- was priceless. Yet I cried and argued with God most of last week, still trying to understand what I had done to encounter such horrible men. I felt broken, a part of me still does. A part of me wants to go back to my strip club mentality that I have worked so hard to get rid of, but… The verdict is still out I suppose, but now, after really realizing what I endured that month and a half, home does not seem so bad at all….I am thankful for a place to be safe, to be loved, and free to be me.