Now that I have began to be out more, weekends are one of my favorite things, but this past weekend was rough after experiencing a breakup. Though older, breakups don’t seem to be getting any easier but the fact that I am wiser, made all the difference.
As I read each mean and hateful text, noticing that he never forgot to include me being a b*tch of some sort in each one, my heart sank. I felt betrayed and it hurt like hell to know someone you strived to give your best to would speak of you in such a way with no regard to your feelings. I could physically feel all the happiness and pride in my recent achievements dissipate from my being; I was falling into a self doubt party.
Or so I thought, but then I thought about all the work I had did for a project I was working on with him. I remembered all the things I had taught him from industry lingo and procedures to blogging. I recalled the times I wanted to be selfish or jump to conclusions due to how my instincts were screaming, but I instead thought rationally for two people. I couldn’t possibly be who he said I was.
I went back and noticed that most of the things he said about me were actually the complete opposite. For some, he had even stated so himself before. With that realization, I concluded he was only saying these things out of his own pride or maybe hurt.
What’s so special about that? Well before, I wouldn’t be able to see that. I now am mature enough to understand that he knew he had messed up and was speaking from another place. He was lashing out to hurt me, but I had to remember that I know myself better, that I knew how I was raised and how well others spoke of me. I had been with myself almost 32 years, he only had barely been around six months. It was he who knew nothing of considering another’s feelings because he was too self centered. I had saw the signs but overlooked them out of love, ok it seems now more like loneliness (see upcoming blog).
Nevertheless, had he made these accusations only two years before he would have been somewhat right because I was seriously flawed then. I didn’t love myself to care enough back then. At the least little sign, I was seeking a replacement or someone on the side, or a plan to do something crazy (yea, I do have it in me), but I have outgrown those ways. I work hard to choose my words wisely and speak from a place of love or at least understanding depending in situations.
Before I would have allowed his words to tear me down repeatedly. He wouldn’t have needed to say more, my own insecurities would have kicked in, and I would recall every single stupid, embarrassing thing I’d done in my life, and so I would continue to dwindle. No longer would I need his verbal abuse, I’d be by own tormentor.
At least the old me would have, but the much wiser me saw through the bs. I’m not that person. Those that know me know I’m no longer that person. This I know for a fact, but to confirm I’ve even had followers message me and tell me their observation of my growth as well. Not that I need validation but when looking over supportive information, I’ve grown a great deal through self love, and that’s what has really gotten me through knowing who and what I really am. It doesn’t take away the hurt or betrayal, but it allows me to see my beauty and value throughout. For anyone else who may be going though similar remember your worth, know you deserve better, and then get to work at it. Until next time…
From Fancy w/ Love