#fancysthoughts: You Will Have To Save Yourself





Something told me 31 might not go as planned when my birthday did not go as planned. I wanted it to be a special day, for once I wanted to treat myself and really enjoy others without any guilt or concerns about work, but it seems like no one cared about the significance of this day to me. I was like “Damn, is this how 31 is? No one finds it special?” For me it was a big thing, because I always thought of 30 as being old, and as I have said before, I was sad when my mother turned 30 because I thought she was getting old.

However, 30, as I look back, really was not that bad at least not now as I see how 31 is already going. Within two weeks of thirty, I began to have bad occurrences. Things with the mag, things as my job, relationships, children, everything. I kept being late for church, and I remember the last Sunday I went, which was last Sunday, I was so upset, I was thinking God you could have told me the service starts at 7. That’s why I keep being late. Then I would scold myself for thinking such a way. Yet, it was how I felt, but I felt conflicted for thinking that way. Then that is the night the occurrences started.It was like Drake coming for Meek Mill with Back 2 Back. I joke, but it has been rough. It has been dark.

And all I keep thinking is so this real life.” Like I don’t know what changed but it is like I had a break at 30 and I did not even know it. Now 31, is like “Ok, break’s up! It’s about to get real.” And I realize all the good that I thought I have done, doesn’t matter. The sweet goody two shoes I have always been- life doesn’t care. I kept waiting for someone to come along and say “Fancy, I get it. I got you.You don’t have to worry.” but no one said that. No one came along. Not even the guy I was dating. He was just like “Wtf is wrong with you? Ok, this happened. Move on. It happens.” But in my mind, “Things like that didn’t happen to me. I didn’t deserve those things. I work hard like everyone else. I keep to myself. I avoid gossip. I attempt to be a good example to my children and I provide for them.”

And yet none of that mattered. Life doesn’t discriminate and though the occasional 1% may get to live in a fairytale, the other 99% have to create their own whether it be with luxury and designer branded materials or the rubble left over after the quake, we have to work with what we are given. Instead of sitting there wondering why, we need to be proactive and steadily creating even as the waves are hitting. And it is hard, but you know what’s harder, what’s scarier, the thought of being under those waves, the thought of them taking you under. So you don’t fight the waves. Instead we are instructed to ride them. If you are unfamiliar with the water like me, you might need time to figure out what that means as well, but I can assure you of one thing- no one is going to save you. You will have to save yourself.  

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