#FancysThoughts: A Glance Over 30

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Last year when I decided to pack all my belongings in my little car, move over 400 miles to Atlanta and leave behind my family and ex, I did it because I thought it would grow my business and that I deserved more out of life than working at Burger King trying to figure out how to pay for my last class for graduation. While it was not one of my bigger goals or main focus, I wanted love as well, but my main thing was my life felt stagnant and I was turning 30.

Immediately upon my move, I saw growth in my business. My love life did not see much change. I was unused to finding my way throughout the city and having to handle every single thing myself. If I didn’t do it, it would not get done. If I did not have it, I had to learn to do without, which was not uncommon but I always say everything in Atlanta is on a larger scale. Last winter felt like the coldest winter ever after sleeping next to someone for over a year, but I think the hardest part was not having anyone to share moments with.

By nearly spring,  I realized I would have to find time to relax and enjoy life but I would have to do so alone. Like most new things, it was scary. My business goals would usually override that fear, but being that this was more of a personal need, I was tempted to do as we as women often do, I wanted to keep putting it off, but I realized I owed it to myself. I began by trying out a jazz and blues club. I was so nervous about going out alone, that I procrastinated even longer, and the night I finally gathered the nerveI made myself get dressed and throw on a little makeup. I found  a seat at the bar, ordered food, and soon fell into a conversation with someone. I had a great time.

As it got warmer, I also began walking. Still not wanting to venture too far from home, I began by walking around my apartment complex, though I had noticed a park near the Wal-Mart. I never really cared for the park but found it to be a great place to take my children. However, I began to secretly long to check out the park. Something about it seemed so pretty and peaceful. One day I said what the hell, drove there, and fell in love. I had forgotten how much I loved walking the country roads in the small town where I used to live with my children and ex and just feeling at one with nature.

Of course, I tried dating-whenever I could find a man that still liked women around here. Initially things would appear to be going fine, but there would always be something to happen that would make me question whether I was settling or something would remind me that I really wanted more. More what you may ask, but to be honest, I do not know. I just would feel like I was not getting what I deserved. Having been in a long relationship, I was used to being with someone. Having been with a man who empowered me (another ex),I had my own expectations of men and I did not feel like I was seeing that in the guys I dated. I grew tired quickly and spent the summer practicing celibacy until recently meeting someone, but that just ended just as quickly as it began.

 

When I look back over the year, I saw much growth but just as many disappointments and heartbreaks. I learned this really is one of the cities of opportunity right now, but it is a dog eat dog world. However, I realize my relationship with myself is much stronger. I know more about what I like and what I don’t like while trying new things alone.I began to take better care of my body through my walks. I learned more of my sexual interests and delved more into my sexuality through my dating. My biggest discovery was I never knew how much it took to love, until I had to love myself and fill myself with that love I sought but could not find.  

-From Fancy w/ Love

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