I had been in the biggest funk lately, and I could not understand why. Professionally, things were going fine. I could see growth. I felt productive. I was dating someone and my basic needs were being met. I no longer felt so lonely or so I thought….
See what happened was…
In the beginning, he showered me with attention. From the day, I turned to him and he asked me “What do you need?” everything was “What do you need?” “What do you want?” “It’s all about you.” And it was or so it seemed. I was instantly smitten. I think I was borderline love, so obviously as two mature adults (as he described us), things progressed on. Then suddenly everything changed. He no longer had the same type of time for me. All the “every time I turn for you, you are there” ended. Shortly after, I saw him with someone else. It was such an awkward event for me, because of the situation, I had no choice but to see them. The look on his face, told me everything I needed to know. He looked like I had caught him with his hand in the cookie jar, but because of the situation, I could not say anything in the moment.
For a day or two, I said nothing. When we finally did discuss the matter, he was so nonchalant, I wondered if I was making a deal about nothing. I mean we had never made anything official between. He had given me no title, and I had only thought about it after the fact. I worried it would seem petty to go back and mention it then.
Nevertheless, we continued on. My work continued on; life continued on, and I tried to listen to his words, “What does that have to do with me?” For a short while, I agreed. That had nothing to do with me, though I did also learn she was in the picture before me. Yet, as time went on, the occasional drops in my spirit began coming more frequently. His company was start to become more like appearances. Once I even told him, “You are not managing your time properly.” That may sound crazy, but one of my biggest goals in a relationship is to be able to openly communicate. I want to be with someone who can make me comfortable enough to tell them what is really going on, and obviously I would welcome the same.
I was walking around feeling down and not sure why. I just knew I had something on my chest. I began to ask myself, what was wrong. Usually it would be something professionally or monetary, but I had to look a little lower and realize it was my heart. I was not ok with this. In the back of my mind, I could only think about his nonchalant attitude and the fact that he seemed to have no concern for my heart in the matter. I battled with how things were in the beginning and how they currently were. Everything he said to me, I wondered if he said to someone else. How many were there? And it was not as if I had never been involved with such, but there was something more.
“What do you need?” ”Honesty.” “What do you want?” “No games.”
It finally hit me that what bothered me more than anything was continuing on this way was not going to help me meet my personal goal. How could I feel comfortable communicating with someone who started out lying. It is one thing to go into a situation knowingly, but a completely differently thing being placed into a situation, when you specifically said you did not want to participate in games. It was never about me; it was always about his game of collecting hearts.
I was settling and the fire in my spirit dwindling. I was not created to play these type of games, I was created to give love freely but to those who appreciate it. How can one feel appreciated when there is always a sense of you needing two of everything lingering? Why was I wasting my time? It was good in the beginning and I still cared, but I was wasting time. And with that, I realized, “hey you need to get your sh** together and keep it moving”. Call it friends with benefits or f****** without a future, but neither seem like enough to satisfy my taste. It was not that I had not been through it before, but the fact that I did not/ donot have time to go through it again.
“Black Goddess in Love” is Fancy’s blog about love and relationships where she speaks freely on both matters whether it is intimate love and relationships or society as a whole.