At what point or age are we really free to be the woman we really are? I ask because even at thirty I still feel some kind of way about speaking my mind and doing as I please. Although it seems like with every turn in life, I am reminded again that I am grown, yet have expectations set for me by others.
All my life, I have felt the pressure of being a good girl. I never wanted to say the wrong thing, so I said nothing at all. I never wanted to do the wrong thing, so sometimes I never did anything at all. I was trying to please everyone else and ignoring my own suppressed desires.
I felt so much guilt and shame because I did not think it was acceptable to think that way, to be that way. I did not want anyone to know those other sides of me, but I felt so unfilled and absolutely bored with life.
I longed for something but never knew how to ask for it or admit that I would ever be tempted by such, and because of my fear, I was more prone to act in secret or feel like I had to play a role, the good girl obviously.
Now that I am thirty, I am like, have I still not earned the right to be an adult? Can I be the flirty, alpha woman that I really am? Can I be a sexual being and not suddenly be questioned about what happened to me or who hurt me? Can I admit that as a woman, I love to be adored and sometimes I even enjoy being submissive?
Growing up and watching my mother, I recall her always wearing the pants. She not only ran the household, but she also ran the finances, and one might would have thought she worked with Wu Tang the way she operated in a C.R.E.A.M. state of mind, and so I was confused as to how to be soft and feminine. Then society imprinted this believe that it was bad to have the same urges as men and it was unladylike to be desirable.
I believe that when practiced in moderation, this behavior is fine. It is only when you allow it to consume you, that it becomes something more, and of course, there are unhealthy behaviors associated when it is clinical, which is totally out of my field. In my opinion, holding it in does more damage to us mentally and emotionally than acting upon these desires. Now, I would love to know your thoughts. Have you had to downplay your sensuality ? Do you suppress your sexual desires? Are you stuck in the good girl role? Tweet or IG me @FancySwagHer!