This morning I had to catch myself. While I cannot recall ever receiving a Valentine’s Day present, this morning, I woke up feeling some kind of way. I kept thinking I am not going to get on any social networks, because I do not want to see anyone’s gifts. I don’t do social networks too much during the holidays, but today I felt much more opposed. Of course, who other than K. Michelle would come on during my drive to work. My first thought was a post with screenshot of her album cover with a caption like “Love ‘Em All.” This only led to more thoughts of why I am not getting anything for Valentine ’s Day and questioning why I am single.
Yesterday when I got off work, I spent about an hour counseling my ex-boyfriend of at least three years. While he bit by bit told me of his new somewhat complicated relationship, I observed everything he said he was doing differently with this new person that he just could never seem to do with me. While he admitted many of these new things were hard for him to do and even he said relationships take a lot of work and he is selfish (his words) , I could not help but be a little hurt.
I also wondered, if he was rushing into this relationship because he did not want to be alone. Though he hates to admit it, I hear it when he talks, and he knows it as well. Then he speaks negative on the matter always saying little things like, “If this or that….” “I’m not put that much into it” “This is not a relationship, but…” However, I told him you need to know what it is you want. If you want this to be something, you need to speak of it as if it is something and then work to get the positive outcome you want. All this negativity is only setting you up for failure.” He’s never been one to listen to my advice, so I doubt he starts now and only he can make their relationship work, so…
Nevertheless, I woke up this morning wondering how I am counseling someone else on love, yet my own life only consists of work and worry, and I question that the longer I continue on this way, the colder my own spirit grows toward relationship and men. The further I get in my career and the more I go through alone, the more selfish and protective I get of everything I have worked for, the more I develop an alpha attitude closed to negotiation.
Then it occurred to me that I was really acting bitter, and a thought came to me, “Fancy you keep saying you are waiting on God for this and that, why aren’t you waiting on him for you to send you the right person? Why are you expecting such a negative outcome? Why are you rushing? Do you love yourself the way you say you do? Because if you did, you would not be entertaining these type of thoughts. ” And then I thought,” Damn, you are right, because in actuality, I have been a loner most of my life and the majority of my relationship left me feeling just as alone, so I have grown to be very content with my own company. It is how I learned to throw myself into my work the way I do, and there is nothing wrong with that at all, better to be active than stagnant.
I was taught to love success, but being a romantic is in my stars. However, I am picky, so settling is out of the question. I just got out of a situation, I should have long ago abandoned, because it was not healthy for my aspirations, and I just said the other day I do not want an average love; I want something spiritual and supernatural and my relationship goals look like the picture above. I have already been married and divorced, and that was too much work.
Today, I will be doing, what I am always doing- working. I do not need those types of distractions, and I am on the verge of something, so I will keep calm today and not give in to the green eyed monster, but I also will not be tempted. Instead of feeling some kind of way, why not take note of what seems to work and not work in other relationship, how others get through things. I probably won’t be observing all of that today, but I will keep it in mind.
What’s for me, is for me. I will get it when the time is right, so why not feel good for others who already have what I desire. We talk about it as career women with business, but tend to not see it that way with these types of issues. Today is a day for lovers, so why not let them have it. Business is Bae for me.