“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I remember the first time I heard that phrase. I was a child listening to two women gossip. I thought that there was a real cow involved. Nope, just sex. These women were talking about another woman’s inability to get her long-time boyfriend to marry her. “He’s never going to marry her. She’s going to be an old maid.” “That’s right. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” “Doesn’t she have any self-respect?” The rest of the conversation was not really appropriate for the ears of a child but it was very informative.
It would be years before I found out exactly what that particular phrase meant. Translation: “Why would a man marry a woman when they are having sex?” In today’s society this question may not make any sense (even if you’ve heard the saying before). It simply means that a man is not likely to marry a woman who is giving him all of the sex that he wants.
Why is that such a big deal you may be asking? In the old days, men married women not just for love but to have sex. Sex before marriage was forbidden (not legally but morally as a culture). If you watch old television shows like I Love Lucy, the husband and wife were shown sleeping in separate beds. I believe that the television networks wanted to encourage society to maintain cultural values by not showing images that could arouse sexual thoughts (especially within those unmarried). It was expected for a woman to remain a virgin until her wedding night. It was expected of her from her family, church, and community.
Today being a virgin or even remaining celibate until marriage is uncommon. In some social circles it’s even frowned upon. What does all of this have to do with “sex keeping you single”? Well answer this question first. Why do you date? Is it for fun, companionship or because you want to get married? Most men want sex from women probably more than companionship, domestic support or her financial contribution. If you’re having sex with a man that you want to marry, why would he marry you? He’s getting the #1 benefit of marriage without having to get married. He’s getting your milk for free which decreases your chances of marrying him. If you are dating for fun or companionship only, then having sex with him doesn’t hinder your dating agenda. (That in itself is another issue.)
Although having sex with someone you want to marry can be an issue, there is another connector that makes it worse…which is “Playing House.” That is also an old school phrase. Translation: “In addition to having sex you are acting like his wife”. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. Why should he be in a hurry to give his last name to the prettiest, smartest, most fabulous woman in the world, when you simply give away the benefits of your love? Not allowing him to see and appreciate the value in it could decrease the value.
Just a thought for those who subscribe to the philosophy that, “You gotta give it up to keep him, because if you don’t then someone else will.” Keeping a man satisfied sexually doesn’t mean that he’ll stay or be faithful. Sidebar….“giving it up” for the purpose of getting him to the altar, can be likened to him telling you he loves you only so he can have sex…..ulterior motives…hummm. You are fabulous, beautiful, and unique. That’s what will attract him and his choice to stay is what will keep him.
I hope that I’ve helped someone to make decisions that are best for them and what they want their dating/marital status to be. I’m not trying to convince anyone to stop having sex, but to consider if sex is keeping you single.
If you believe that sex is keeping you single, then you can create a way to correct that. For more information visit my website.
~Beverley W. Haynes – Dating Mirror Coach