Inspired by Payne

Nikki’s husband did not kill just three people who day. Nikki’s mother who her husband was speaking with just as he shot himself, never got over losing her grandchildren. Nikki went years without seeing her mother. The day she finally returned home, she found her mother had passed in her sleep over the night. “All these years that I wasted, my mama was dying. She was grieving and all she wanted was for me to come see her, and I was like mama “I can’t do that”, because I couldn’t let her see me that way. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t be there with her. It was like right then that I got it. I thought to myself, Nikki you got to get yourself together because if you don’t your brothers and your sisters are going to come in here and find you dead,” Nikki explains. It was the one point in our interview when she almost lost her composure. After her mother’s death, Nikki decided to go to back to church. “When my kids died, I really thought God hated me. I was like, “God you know what, I believe in you. You trippin’! You trying to get into my head.” But when my mama died, that’s when I had to go to church, but when I went to church it was late. I had on a white shirt and some ripped up jeans. I had all these tattoos and these piercings and my hair was standing on my head. So when I walked in the church, there was a lady standing there, and she looked at me and she was like, “Are you in the right place?” I’m like, “Huh?” She was like, “Are you in the right place?” I was like, “Dang God! I tried to come to you and then there are people right here at the church that make me feel like I’m not even worth it to be here.” She’s looking at me at my outer appearance, and she’s judging me. The reason I talk about that is because a lot of time, people don’t realize other people are hurt, and instead of asking them what’s wrong or extending a hand, we point our fingers at them. No one bothered to ask me, “Nikki, your hair was always pass your shoulders. Why are you cutting your hair off? Why are you getting these tattoos and these piercings? People who didn’t know me, just wrote me off. “Oh she’s ghetto,” or “She ain’t no good”. Someone even said, “Oh, she’s just a downgrade.” No one ever asked, “Why are you doing this? What are you going through?” I truly believe that if somebody in my journey had just taken the time and sat me down and said, “Look Nikki just talk to me and tell me what’s going on,” I would have started healing a lot sooner.”
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